that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
