I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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