remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
