My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
