He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
