A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
