Sober January is a disaster.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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