Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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