You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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