I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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