apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
