You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
