This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
