Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
