Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
