Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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