He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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