so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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