She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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