wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
