Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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