He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
