we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
