He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
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Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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