im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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