New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
