Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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