I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
