I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
