We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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