I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
