that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
