Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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