this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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