i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
