i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
