I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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