pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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