We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
