She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the day after is always just damage control
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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