i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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