I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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