Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
