I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
