My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
