Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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