LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
