did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
