my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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