how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
