someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
