i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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