A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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