I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
