"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
